Modern Loathing: How to survive finals

  1. FinalsUse a planner to manage your time
  2. Find a quiet space to study or cry
  3. Schedule your study time using the Pomodoro Technique; work for 25 minutes, then take a five-minute break. After four work intervals, take a 30-minute break.
  4. Clean your room. If you live in Hardin, Martin, or Couch, just leave.
  5. Ds for degrees
  6. Exercise?
  7. Try to get eight hours of sleep every night. Sleep is necessary for encoding information into long-term memory.
  8. Don’t waste time on your phone; limit your screen time with apps like Space and Off the Grid
  9. Upperclassmen: don’t down three margs during happy hour at Senor Tequila. Underclassmen: forego the Burnett’s and Malibu.
  10. Wine is acceptable if actually poured into a wine glass.
  11. Visit your professors during office hours. If they sense your desperation, some will have mercy on you.
  12. Use the 4-7-8 breathing technique to counter anxiety.
  13. Why was Kylie Jenner born rich and not you?
  14. Don’t lash out against your incompetent partners on your group project. Don’t be the incompetent partner.
  15. Limit drug use. Never do Adderall.
  16. Take a relaxing bath.
  17. Substitute water for coffee.
  18. Don’t look directly at any one body during the library streak. If you get the proper amount of sleep afterward, what you see will be encoded into your long-term memory.
  19. Relax
  20. But don’t relax too much. Your grades might define the rest of your life.

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